📚 I Want to Read, But I Don’t Love Reading

On Monday, I reviewed my 2023 records of books, movies, and music, and wrote a blog post. However, what I truly wanted to reflect on was just one theme: reading.

I don’t love reading, though it brings pleasure, other temptations can bring me several times more enjoyment. As I force myself to read, I increasingly agree that it’s merely a higher form of entertainment, no different from social media, news, or videos. As for pleasure itself, I can’t clearly distinguish between high and low forms. However, I still vaguely have a measure in my heart—whether they’re worth remembering.

Some books have made me secretly wipe away tears; some have amazed me; some contain principles I agree with; yet I no longer have specific memories of them. Like past events, there are no details, only lingering emotional aftertastes. Is this nourishment? I don’t know. I sometimes laugh at my emotional richness, yet I’m clearly someone numb to sensory surroundings.

Therefore, I tend to read books with utilitarian purposes. I read “Man’s Search for Meaning” because I wanted to find my lost sense of purpose; I read classics like “The Count of Monte Cristo” hoping to add depth to my reading and thinking; I read “Building a Second Brain” because I felt my life lacked planning; I read “Born a Crime” to see how someone from poverty could become successful; I read “New Photography Notes” because I wanted to photograph life and feel alive; I read “Walden” and “Tokyo 8 Square Meters” to understand how others view life, whether lonely or not. As for novels, I’m embarrassed to call them a hobby—I’m actually engaging in force-fed reading.

I want to read, but I don’t love reading. This stems from my sense of shame, even if this shame perhaps originates from societal views. Facing unplanned leisure time, reading always seems more valuable than browsing anonymous forums, social media, or playing Sudoku. Perhaps it’s not about value, but rather that books, as a refuge, are built more logically, more solidly, more completely.

My desire to read has another layer rooted in fear. I’m afraid of two principles I believe in:

• Your daily inputs determine what kind of person you’ll become;
• Your future isn’t determined by your work, but by how you allocate your marginal free time.

I fear my leisure self, my present self, and the future self I might not recognize. Perhaps this is why I want to read.

📆 Planning the Plans

In 2024, while it’s a new year chronologically, the plans are absolutely not new. I found last year’s unexecuted projects and wish lists, both detailed and rough, changed their dates, and thus created new plans.

I like making plans because I’m used to planning. I often don’t execute my plans, so I frequently modify old ones. Thus, I’m skilled at planning.

My plans are standardized, so they can be reused by just changing dates. They cover purpose, methods, steps, habits, deliverables, and reviews, while remaining concise. I even include rituals in my plans, though plans often become rituals themselves.

I used to call myself a perfectionist, but now I dare not speak up. Just making plans without taking a single step can’t be called an -ism; I haven’t practiced anything.

I also like productivity tools and methods, and finding new ones makes me happy. But I increasingly see people using simple txt files for to-do lists and notes. I realize what I lack isn’t tools or methods.

I’m too ordinary to need a documented plan for a sophisticated life; I don’t have enough tasks to need GTD; I’m not a writer, so why build an elaborate note system.

I actually just need one or several lists, with or without time reminders.

I should put these lists on this blog.

🏃‍♂️ Thinking, Feeling, and Acting

These are three parallel terms in clear thinking.

I’m still like a parasite. I hope to have my own house and flourish from there, but I haven’t taken a single step. I haven’t done anything to promote financial, interpersonal, or spiritual growth. I understand that experiencing life means stepping out.

I should create a list for daily leisure reflection, making these issues seem important.

👏 Anticipated Domino Effect

[Personal content redacted for privacy]

I’ve fallen into a world of laziness, doing nothing, browsing social forums and watching live streams daily while fantasizing about dreams and the future. A life without thinking is conscious, it’s just a matter of whether one is willing to face it.

Thus, as mentioned above, I’m just planning plans and fantasizing about future dreams.

I still believe I can take the first step, and hope that like dominoes, once I take that step, I won’t come to a halt.

📝 memos

”Cowen’s Economics”

I found an economics textbook, different from Mankiw’s “Principles of Economics,” written by the author of Marginal Revolution blog, titled “Cowen’s Economics” in Chinese. I plan to study economics for an hour daily, using Anki to aid memory and learning.

Korean Drama “Sweet Home 2”

Having forgotten the first season’s content, I finished the second season in two days, feeling like I missed an episode. Despite many negative reviews and poor ratings on Douban, I really enjoyed it. The monsters, gore, and aerial wide-angle shots of moving crowds in Episode 3 reminded me of the excitement I felt watching “Train to Busan."

"The Miracles of the Namiya General Store”

I finished this book but didn’t find it particularly impressive.